I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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