TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
