So drunk its hurt
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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