He kissed a someone with a penis
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
