at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize