someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
