we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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