Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
