all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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