You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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