he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
