when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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