i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
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he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
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I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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