Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
