mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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