im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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