I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
