Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
