I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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