You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's never too late to be topless.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize