I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
