??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
