dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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