Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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