oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
