I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
