Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
