At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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