She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
