I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
