I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
