I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
