I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
