Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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