My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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