I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Rumble strips road head = magical
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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