Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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