Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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