At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
