i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
