The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
