Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
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There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
tell me about the eggs
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