her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
