Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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