he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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