her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
