One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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