Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
