i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
