Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My life is pants optional.
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