If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
