I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
