I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
