one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
