He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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