Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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